No, not of the likes of George Clinton but that’s the only word to describe what’s going on with me lately. This is one of the biggest funks I’ve been in awhile and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The last four months have left me in a daze of every kind of emotion out there due to how I’m feeling. It’s been a whirlwind of events……first I got some blood drawn, was told I’m pre-diabetic. So I tried to do everything without medication and by that I mean everything I should have been doing but just didn’t-watch my carbs, eat more veggies, move more.
I tried that out and went to an endocrinologist to talk and that was just a bad time. Maybe it started off with her introducing herself as “Jenny” and not Dr. Something. I told her what was going on with me and she dismissed everything by nonchalant “mmm-hmmms” and didn’t listen to any of my concerns. I’ve always heard about people complaining about the healthcare system and never really understood it. When I lived in Charlotte I had a wonderful GP who I was comfortable with and felt like I could tell him what was going on in my life (even though he looked like a younger salt and pepper version of Anderson Cooper, rawr). I’ve heard people speak of how they get limited time with their doctor and in that little time their concerns aren’t heard, met, acknowledged, etc. The only thing that came out of this doctors visit was her suggesting that I try Glumetza, a drug to help treat those with type 2 diabetes. I haven’t been diagnosed yet but she said it could help with my glucose levels and possibly with weight loss which is something I need majorly. I’ve been doing everything that I should do and while it was working for a little and resulted in a 10 pound weight loss, I gained it all back and am back at square one. So even if there is the possibility of it helping me, I am down.
That was mid-September and I still feel the same-going through the motions each day with less enthusiasm than I used to have and feeling off, like I’m in a fog or god forbid, like I’ve had a few drinks. I wake up every morning not knowing if it’s going to be a good or bad day, if I’m going to be grumpy or if I’m going to spring out of bed. I don’t know if I will mentally wake up by the time I get to work or if I will mentally wake up around lunch time. I’ve been getting random muscle and joint aches that come and go throughout the day—some days I won’t have any at all while other days I wake up from sleep because my joints are killing me. Along with all that fun stuff, why not mix some anxiety issues with it. I’ve never had anxiety issues before but it’s been happening more and more lately and it freaks me out. While I’m a social person and love conversing, going out, etc. I’ve been getting anxiety in social situations or even mundane every day activities like going to Target (which is a happy place for me). Plus since I’m not feeling well I’ve picked up the crazy habit of going onto Web MD every day trying to self-diagnose myself which is one of the worst ideas ever from someone who is a hypochondriac like me. I’ve officially banned myself from those sites and am trying hard not to focus on those things. It’s scary, frustrating and everything in between especially when a doctor really won’t listen to me and the way I describe how I’m feeling makes me sound like it’s all in my head. I look fine, I act the same (I like to think so 75% of the time) but I just feel off. I’m only 32, I shouldn’t be feeling like this nor having every issue in the world going on with my body.
Instead of going back to Endo #1, I made an appointment with another one and went this past week. It was a complete 180! While I’m pretty sure the doctor was younger me and with some red hair dye could be a Prince Harry impersonator, it was a great appointment that raised my hopes a little. He actively asked me to tell him what my concerns are and what’s going on with me. I laid it all out on the table-how I’m feeling physically and emotionally and when everything started. We talked about my day to day life style, family history and he did an exam of my glands, neck, reflexes, etc. After sitting down and talking, he said that I could possibly have PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome) due to the symptoms I’m having such as elevated testosterone, weight gain and acne. He wants me to stay on Glumetza and up my dosage by 500 mg to see if that helps at all with my glucose and testosterone levels for another few months before taking blood again. I hope that the extra bump in dosage will help me out and I will be able to see and feel a difference because this person I’ve been lately isn’t myself.
What it comes down to is that I feel like I’m a stranger in my own body and it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with in a long time. My absence from blogging and reading others blogs has had a lot to do with all of this. I’ve felt unmotivated to say anything or write about other things going on in my life because this has taken over my life and train of thought as of late. While I used to enjoy blogging, I’ve felt meh about it and keep telling myself I’m going to blog but keep pushing it further and further away feeling sorry for myself all in the meantime. Same goes for reading others blogs, while things aren’t so great for me, I really don’t want to read about how great things are going for other people. Call that selfish, childish, human nature, whatever but that’s the truth. All that being said, I’m honestly trying to make an effort not to feel that way and look on the bright side of things. My life could be much worse and while I hope it doesn’t get much worse, I have to appreciate all that I do have. I’ve been keeping these emotions bottled up for awhile, I sometimes bring them up to friends but feel like I’m a pain in the ass when I do or that I sound like a crazy person. This is really one of the only places that I just pour everything out with whats going on with me because it’s all mine. So if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading and more so, thanks for the support in the blogging world that I’ve found in the past few years. Let’s hope things get better.